1 year ago I had done something that I never thought I'd do...I went brunette. For some changing hair colors is as common as changing clothes, however, for me it was something more. I'd spent my entire life as a blonde, and even as my hair began to get a little darker in high school and college, I strived to keep my hair the perfect blonde. I'd spend hours in the sun to lighten it with lemon juice, or get it highlighted. Eventually, I decided it was time to do some changing both on the inside and out.
I turned to *things* to comfort me, and found myself never being able to calm the hurt in me. My way of coping has always been to do as many things as possible to push things out of my mind...to push the pain out of my mind. I used to not be able to even speak about my childhood and growing up without coming to tears. Mostly, because I think I have never been able to properly deal with it all like I should.
Anyhow...I slowly started lightening my hair back up as time has passed over the last year, and just weeks ago I pretty much went back to blonde. I now realize it's not what I want. I have this feeling people expect me to be this cheerful (blonde) person they've always known...but the thing is, that person has been a lie. I was always very good at putting on a happy face. I've realized as I've matured that I can't do that anymore. People will have to take me or leave me...both the happy and darker parts of me. My past is what has made me who I am. My past has made me able to appreciate things more than others; my past has made me stubborn and unforgiving at times; my past has made me very strong willed; my past has made me very kind. I am all of these things....and I think I'm ready to shed the things that have always comforted me...and the first thing on my list is my blonde hair.
I think I may dye my hair brown this evening. Wish me luck.
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