Life is a fucking rollercoaster... mine in particular.
After coming home from WV I have been in a fairly good mood. I got to spend a lot of quality time with mom, and was beginning to feel positive, which was a big change in my feeling of doom & gloom that's been looming in my mind for months.
Mom had two days of appointments in Morgantown this week. Tuesday was with Dr Bakri her oncologist that did her surgery, etc. He scheduled her for scans the following morning to scan her body and lungs, which is typical of any cancer patient, and done even more frequently with LMS patients. She also had a very in-depth appointment with her oncologist that is handling her Chemotherapy Dr Auber, in which went well.
Yesterday (Thursday) afternoon at work, my mom randomly called and sounded upset. Of course, I had an instant rush of panic come over me, and as I listened I went into shock. The doctor called and said that her scans revealed an Aortic Aneurysm that was growing and needed immediate surgery! First off, I didn't know what the hell that was exactly...and then of course, it is always scary knowing that anything that goes wrong it always crosses my mind, "what if it's actually cancer?!"
So I spent all evening in a state of shock, researching both aneurysms, and also, how LMS can grow in the Aortic Artery lining, since it is in fact, a soft tissue muscle. (Which is what Leiomyosarcoma affects)
They scheduled surgery for 7am, and I spent all morning trying to battle all of my worries... "How did she get this" "Will they postpone chemo now" "What if it's actually cancer"...etc, etc. Finally around 11 am I got a phone call from mom herself saying she was out of surgery and feeling well!!!
I guess they were able to go in through her groin, and up her artery, to perform the surgery. She felt well enough that she was eating around lunch time! They then mentioned doing chemo while she was already up there, but in the end did not do that. HOWEVER, they did let her go home tonight, which is absolutely shocking to me, but wonderful. They also scheduled her chemo treatment for Thursday, so as of now, things look to be back on track!
Tonight I needed an emotional break, so Leona and I went to Bahama Breeze and had some food, and some cocktails. It was very relaxing, and I have to say I am in a much better mode and frame of mind this evening, than I was yesterday.
Even before this whole cancer thing with mom entered my life, my life has been one big roller coaster. Each day can go from joyous, to scary, to dreadful, back to joyous. It's so crazy how many ups & downs one person can have. Right now is definitely another trying time in my life, I just need to be able to keep my center while riding one CRAZY roller coaster..
Well..I made it back. I had a great vacation. It was surprisingly relaxing, and I got to spend time with my mom, grandparents, and others.
When I got there Saturday, it was 100 freakin degrees! WTH lol?! It was extremely hot for WV. After arriving in town I sent a little bit of time with mom and my gradparents. Mom had been sick that day (we think now a stomach virus) so she didn't get to come pick me up, but was there for a bit to see me for the evening. After she left I went down to Rachel's family's camp on the river. We had a really nice time visiting with some people we graduated with, and some of their significant others. Her parents also stopped by, and it was really nice to see them. People that were there were me, Rachel & Marc, Lindsey Danielson, Monica Dotson & Mac, Alicia Dickson (Sunderman) and Doug. It was a laid back time. We grilled some burgers and hot dogs, and relaxed. The girls got on our usual topics that scared the men away lol so they stood over and played with the fire for a while.
I then swung by to say hello to Laura Tice and her family before heading on to Rachel's to play a little card games with her, marc, and Lindsey.
The game on Sunday was very fun (till the 3rd quarter) I hung out pre-game with Kim, Megan, Matt, and Aaron Statler. I then found Susan and Jeff with Jacob and showed Jacob where I was sitting so he stayed and sat with me. A few minutes left in the 3rd quarter, the game got postponed due to severe weather (aka thunder/lightening) After waiting forever, the game resumed for literally 2 minutes, and then got postponed again. Another hour or two passed, and they finally decided to call it a final score. WVU won the game, I had fun in Morgantown, that's all that matters in the end.
(Left to Right) Matt Statler, Megan Statler, Aaron Statler, Me. Cousins :)
Mom and I had alot of fun together this week. It was nice and relieving to both of us I think to be around each other. I of course feel more at ease because when I'm with her, I know exactly how her health is doing and am able to help her out more easily than from hundreds of miles away, and I think with me around (even though I ask a million questions) she is able to worry less, and just have a little bit of fun.
One afternoon we went to parkersburg and took Ty school shopping; I bought a gift for Harold and Bella at the gift store in the mall; we had some Pizza place pizza-yummy!; Looked around aeropostale and VS. Then we went wig shopping. I could tell mom was stressed at first, but she really lightened up and had some fun. She tried on all sorts of styles and colors. She looked great in all of them, but she decided on two of her favorites. One is a longer hair style, a dark blonde. It looked great with her skintone, and very natural. I loved it. The second is a shorter (but not old lady short) style, which she got in the light blonde with hi-lights. The pic I have is just of the darker blonde bc she had to order it in the right color.
This is the one she ended up getting that day! It was quite long, but it looked wonderful on her. It looks very natural in color, brings out her good skin tones, and makes her look youthful. We figured even if she is feeling down, putting this on will help make her feel cute and lively!
This is the second one she ordered. She got it in the beautiful light blonde which is similar to her current real color. She figured something short and cute would be nice for days where she is just playing it down! The color she got it in can be seen below on the last pic of wigs. It will look great!
We all really loved this wig, but it only came in one color. She preferred blonde, but it only came in this dark auburn type color. The style of it was really cute though and similar to how she has her hair currently.
This was the last one, the long blonde one. I LOVED it, lol. It looks like she would be a Real Housewife of Orange County! She said she felt unnatural in it, so she didn't get it...but I still think she looked wonderful in it.
We also went grocery shopping one day, where we picked up lots of healthy things for her while she is undergoing chemo. Natural smoothies that are full of nutrients and vitamins that she might not get enough of if she has nausea; cottage cheese; Pomegranate Juice, Organic Milk, Green Tea (natural kind, sweetened with real sugar not HFCS) and other things. That was fun, and I was super excited that she was actually interested in the healthy foods, and was open to trying the organic things. Today I actually went and got some organic/allnatural health products for her at our local whole foods store and mailed them up. We also that afternoon, got her oil changed, and ate lunch at Bob Evan's.
Some of the organic and/or all-natural products I got her and mailed up today. EO - hand soap, Tom's of Maine deodorant, Tom's of Maine toothpaste, Jason natural Body Wash, Multi-purpose cleaner, Dish Soap. Everything I get her, If not organic I am looking for things that are Paraben Free, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate free, Dye free, etc. And with the oral care products also, fluoride free.
Thursday (my last day /sadface) mom and I ate lunch at the pizza station, went shopping at mulberry lane, then watched harry potter!! I was determinted to make sure she got to see it! We had seen the last one together and it was super fun so I know she'd been looking forward to this one. It just so happened around the time it was out she had gotten sick and was in the hospital (when she found out about her metastasis) so she hadn't been able to see it. I wanted to make sure she saw the very last one! She said she really liked it, so that was good!
I was extremely sad to leave :( and I took that out on my wallet today by shopping, lol.. I made my dining room table look very festive for the season (FALL) As you can see below it's quite cute what I did. I just simply got some new placemats, a pretty Fall leaf colored bouquet, and a Fall Yankee Candle. It is quite pretty if you ask me!
Nature's Food Patch beauty products! AKA HEAVEN
When I was at Nature's Food Patch I wanted nothing more to buy every single organic and all natural beauty product they had! These things make me soo happy. Even more funny, it's RELALLLLY hard for me to make myself use up the rest of my not so freaking natural prodcuts. I told myself I'd use them up before buying the new...but the fact that I stress out because of all the chemicals in them to the point where I despise using them. It's like a mini panic attack, lol. Look at all this stuff they had to offer, and this is just a SMALL area of it.
Monday, August 29, 2011
I don't have a witty title for today, lol... I am avoiding doing laundry, and putting away laundry, both of which I equally hate. I don't hate doing laundry all that much, except my washing machine is not spinning half the time, so it irritates me when I open the washer, only to find it full of water.
I made the mistake of watching the VMA's last night.. I haven't in years, but I had wanted to watch Jersey Shore that came on right before it..I have just a few reactions, because it literally had me speechless on how stupid it was.
1) WTF was Nicki Minaj wearing? what was that doll thing chained to her dress???
2) Lady Gaga was an ugly man
3) Adele performance was good
4) Kanye West and Jay Z performance was horrible
5) Chris Brown performance was the worst lip sync job ever
Remind me next year to not watch!
I am trying to catch up on laundry so that I can get all packed up to go back to WV this Saturday!
I think I might update on here when I find videos online, that just make me say "what the fuck"????
I love the song "Kids" by MGMT , and probably love Lady Danville's version even better..but it's MGMT's video that is made up of what nightmares are made up of. I don't even have words for what I am thinking when I see this, lol...
What are some of the strangest videos you have seen??
a better and LESS fucked up version of that great song is by Lady Danville: (see below)
OH! One more CRAZY video is Lykke Li's "I'm good, I'm gone"... check it out
Now for something completely NOT serious! My favorites!! My husband has pointed out to me many, many times that I go through phases of having all of these different favorite things to do, hobbies, favorite products, etc...he made a joke the other day saying how he can't keep up with me, lol, so I'm just gonna broadcast it... Here's what I eff'ing Dig! (Or anti-dig lol)
1: Organic Milk : Where have you been all of my life?? No more having to smell the bottle 5 days before it's experiation date, thinking it smells funky, and throwing it out. Organic milk is a wonderful indulgence that I am extremely excited to have incorporated into my life. It tastes wonderful, more natural, none of that aftertaste I sometimes get with other milks. It also has a much longer shelf life! This is an awesome plus! I'm a big fan of drinking milk, as it is actually quiet healthy. They have done many studies showing that the fat contained in Dairy, is actually quite beneficial to your body. And of course it has vitamins/calcium- it does a body good!
If you buy it from an organic/natural food market, the price isn't that bad. Just a slight increase in the price over what you'd pay for a normal gallon somewhere else. However, if you go to for example :Kroger, Publix, Sweet Bay, the organic milk there will always have some price that is exorbitant in comparison to the non-organic counter part.
Anyhow, look into this wonderful, creamy goodness, nourish your body, feed your soul with organic milk Eating organic foods keeps toxins off the Earth, and away from your body. It's a good thing. (As Martha Stewart would say)
2: NARS Orgasm Blush: The perfect blush. There is no better, except maybe the Super Orgasm which just kicks it up a notch by incorporating some sparkle. I Almost feel stupid writing about this …pretty much everyone agrees it is the perfect blush. But I suppose it’s worth confirming the following:
I'm gonna update about the bad, and then move on to the good. (Since this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want, and I don't want to write about the bad at this moment in time)
On August 2nd, unexpected, unwelcome, and definitely unwanted news came, my mother found out her cancer (Leiomyosarcoma, or LMS for short) has returned. She had been in a lot of pain for a day or so, and called me early that morning, and I encouraged her to go to the ER. We thought it was appendicitis or something, not thinking that since she had just had "clear" PET/CT scans in May, that the cancer returning already was possible....
Anyhow, they did some bloodwork, and CT scans, and returned within two hours saying that the cancer had returned in her abdomen, and also in her lungs. My immediate reaction of course, was immediate panic and grief.
To make a long story short, she was getting shitty care in Marietta, and so within about 48 hours I helped get her transferred by ambulance to Morgantown's Ruby Memorial Hospital. She went into hospital on a Tuesday, and I flew up there on Thursday evening. It was extremely comforting to me to be able to be there with her, and help her and the boys get things running smoothly while she was in the hospital. Mom was in A LOT of pain, as in serious fucking pain. They had her on alternating hydromorphone drip, and oxycodone pills. My mom is usually not one to speak up when she needs attention, but she was in bad enough pain that when it was time for her next dose she would call them up quickly.
On Monday (6 days after being admitted) she underwent a major exploratory surgery, in which they were able to remove the entire "visible" cancer mass in her abdomen. She got to go home this past thursday finally, and has been staying with my grandparents. She still has her kidney bag for one kidney, and also got her port put in for chemotherapy. She will begin Chemo on Sept 14th...which I wish I could be there for. I will though, be going up this next Saturday-Friday, so it will be wonderful to spend time with her, and the rest of my family. I had originally planned this trip a few months ago, so that I could go to the first WVU home game of the season. I am still planning on going to it, and it should be fun.
Anyhow, I'm definitely full of a lot of "Why the fuck is this happening to my family?", "What is going to happen", "what if this", "what if that".....I'm full of questions, anger, and sadness. I am trying my best to remain calm, and know that I can't control what happens in the future, all I can do right now is help my mom get the best care possible, and hope for the very best.
So...on that note. I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert the other day. It was wonderful. I bought the tickets a few months ago, but it really is amazing how much the music means to me right now. The lead singer was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago, and almost the entire 2nd album is full of inspiring music about the challenges that he faced and overcame, and I can definitely relate with the lyrics to my life.
Here are a few:
Lyrics: "Spinning" by Jack's Mannequin (feat. Stacy Clark)
I'm keeping quiet til there's no more sirens
Lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
I'll find my words when there's no one talking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.
I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning
I'm keeping quiet til the phone stops ringing
Lately it's hard to disconnect, I just want something real
I've found the words if I could just stop thinking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.
I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning
Spin beneath the rooftop
Hold on, wait until the room stops
Spinning
I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but in the end
We're only spinning
I keep forgetting when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited til the lights come on again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning
Spinning
"The Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin
There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
I find my body it's still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast
[Chorus:]
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution
And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
For the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear
[Chorus]
The resolution
The resolution
And you hold me down
Yeah you hold me down
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
[Chorus]
I need life
I need life
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
"Swim" by Jack's Mannequin
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim
Poor Harold is sick today. He left work early to go to the doctor, but thank goodness Leona is the doctor. She took good care of him. I told him to request the steroid injection that I got last time I was really sick, because it got rid of side effects immediately..then he is going to pick up z-pack and some sort of prescription nasal spray on his way home.
I slept like shit last night. I fell asleep really easily which was nice, but then around 12:30 I woke up, wide awake, and with that feeling of an oncoming anxiety attack. I have no idea why..but luckily after about an hour I fell back asleep. Today however, I was a force to be reckoned with, lol. I am very rarely a bitch but today I was in one of those moods I guess because of how I slept.
Sometimes people are naive fucking idiots. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not religious really. I grew up Christian though, so I know allllll about what sort of person Jesus is supposed to be. A lot of stupid republicans claim to be christian, and us liberals are horrible evil people that are going to go to hell. So here is some stupid conversation that I saw on facebook today:
A GIRL ON FACEBOOK: My proud big sister moment: when explaining to my 8 yr old sister how we shouldn't say we hate people because Jesus says to love everyone... She replies, we even have to love Obama??!... I say even Jesus makes exceptions to the rules sometimes! :)
Nathan WardFunny and can say that He doesn't love that POS lol ..that is funny
Yesterday at 5:42pm ·
Ashley Flowers-LashI'm not really religious anymore, but Nathan isn't that quite contradictory and non-christian like to say that? I'd say if Jesus is in fact the man he is said to be, he would be quite ashamed of someone saying that.
23 hours ago ·
Nathan WardI totally agree but that is my personal feelings not Gods ..this man should not be in office. I personally appreciate the comment but unless you know me you might not understand my conviction and the pride I have for my country but not our leader. America needs to wake up and yes he tells us to love so on that you are correct.
That's right folks! The original poster said she had a proud moment telling her little sister that she should love everyone because that's what Jesus wants..THEN proceeded to tell her well, not Obama, because Jesus would allow exceptions. Then my favorite: Some asshole then says "LOL that's funny, Jesus wouldn't even love that piece of shit"
Seriously folks..If Jesus is in fact God's son he would not NOT love someone just because their political views might differ, and he sure as hell wouldn't say "Love thy neighbor, except the person you don't like because you're too stupid to think for yourself and are a republic" On that note: Here is one last example of idiots that are Christians...one of the funniest quotes I saw about this on the news was
"Not to delve too much into the religion thing here, but I’m pretty sure Christians can convince themselves that God likes just about anything they’re doing as long as they talk to him about it first. Have a little chat, “is Christian pole dancing okay God? We’re mostly going to listen to upbeat Christian rock and dance together like we would in a strip club for exercise, yet worship you at the same time. That alright? Okay good I’m glad you understand.” I mean not to be an asshole or anything, but throwing on some Jesus music doesn’t really change the fact that you used to pop your coochie in the air and give lap dances and blowies in the champagne room for dollar bills you know what I’m saying? Whatever helps you sleep at night lady."
I'm done bitching for today. In the words of a wise man "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Mohandas Gandhi
Since I last posted a few dramatic turn of events have happened.
First...let me start with the most traumatic thing. On Saturday, January 8th, my step mom (47 years old) Sonja suffered a major stroke. I found out and went up to help the family and be with her the next day. For the first day I thought she was going to be ok. She was in an induced coma so that they could keep the brain less active. Following a stroke, the brain swells for 72 hours. That is when the most damage can occur. The swelling was very bad, and did not seem to be stopping. Tuesday night they performed an emergency surgery on her skull to allow for the fluids to drain better, and allow her brain to have a little more room to swell. Things took a turn for the worst the next 2 days and she became unrepsonsive. On Saturday the 15th, she was declared brain dead.
She is missed dearly by many people. And while some people may not understand why I'm so affected by it, since she was in fact, my step parent...what they don't understand is my father and her have been together since I was just 6 months old. She has been in my life for 26 years, and it's very hard to even think that she is not there anymore. I still am very shocked by it when I think about it. Her obituary can be read here.
My Aunt Jeanne is still battling breast cancer. I'm waiting to find out more today actually from Grandma. Jeanne had her mastectomy in February, and while they performed it they took out many lymph nodes. It turns out over 14 of them tested positive for cancer, and they say that they do not know if the chemo she'd been going through did any good. The size of the tumor had supposedly grown instead of shrink from the time they began chemo. She went in for testing last week, and this week will begin radiation treatments.
My mom and the boys moved back to West Virginia at the end of February. This is the first time in years that Harold and I are finally alone. While I miss my family soo much, I must say that it is nice to have some privacy and alone time now. I think for the first time since I've been alive, my mom is okay with being "alone" and just wants to be happy for herself and the kids. This is a major shift in her thoughts, because normally she always thought she had to have a man to make her happy, when the truth is, they are the ones that have made her miserable for years.
Harold and I are taking off a week together next month, which is very needed! I would like to try and go visit my dad and family the first few days of my vacation, then come home, but we will have to see. It depends on a few things.
As usual, life is throwing a bunch of shit at me..but I'm in relatively good spirits. I'm not feeling extremely depressed, and I am a little stressed, but I'm able to deal with it as long as I take things day-by-day. I've had some insomnia lately, which is totally new to me because sleep is one thing I've never had problems with in the past. I have found though that Ambien helps it. I know that I shouldn't depend on that as my only way to get a good nights sleep, so I try to usually not take it more than twice a week. Maybe this is just a phase, and it will go away..I really hate this restless feeling.
So, it has been a while since I posted. (like 7 months to be exact, lol) So this is going to be a generalized update on life.
Family - My mother, Jacob, and Ty moved back down here at the end of June. Randy had kicked them to the streets, and they were living in my mom's friends' basement. She was unhappy, they were unhappy...and that's how the story goes. I enjoy being able to spend time with them. I really do. However.... I would love for the first time in years to have some privacy with my husband. I'm not just talking about being able to spontaneously have sex wherever we want (which by the way I DO miss) but even little things..Satuday night we had about 2 hours where we were actually alone in the living room cuddling watching a movie, and we were able to talk about some serious stuff going on..it was nice to be able to have the privacy to just talk about things. We've had to just go hide in our bedroom usually.
Work - It's the same as usual. My (our) friend Jason is now working there. It's actually quite easy to separate work & friendship. My boss seems to be in a little bit of a bad mood sometimes, maybe we just annoy the shit out of her, lol.
Also...we have another addition to the family, Bella! She is our adorable Chinese Crested Powder Puff puppy! She is so laid back, very intelligent, and loving. I knew when I met her she'd be the perfect addition and would fit in very well with Roxy and Rusty. 3 dogs is quite a handful so I must say that that's it. No more pets!! We are trying to find somoene to adopt the cats. Then we'll just have our 3 dogs, and hopefully one day a baby or two.
