On August 2nd, unexpected, unwelcome, and definitely unwanted news came, my mother found out her cancer (Leiomyosarcoma, or LMS for short) has returned. She had been in a lot of pain for a day or so, and called me early that morning, and I encouraged her to go to the ER. We thought it was appendicitis or something, not thinking that since she had just had "clear" PET/CT scans in May, that the cancer returning already was possible....
Anyhow, they did some bloodwork, and CT scans, and returned within two hours saying that the cancer had returned in her abdomen, and also in her lungs. My immediate reaction of course, was immediate panic and grief.
To make a long story short, she was getting shitty care in Marietta, and so within about 48 hours I helped get her transferred by ambulance to Morgantown's Ruby Memorial Hospital. She went into hospital on a Tuesday, and I flew up there on Thursday evening. It was extremely comforting to me to be able to be there with her, and help her and the boys get things running smoothly while she was in the hospital. Mom was in A LOT of pain, as in serious fucking pain. They had her on alternating hydromorphone drip, and oxycodone pills. My mom is usually not one to speak up when she needs attention, but she was in bad enough pain that when it was time for her next dose she would call them up quickly.
On Monday (6 days after being admitted) she underwent a major exploratory surgery, in which they were able to remove the entire "visible" cancer mass in her abdomen. She got to go home this past thursday finally, and has been staying with my grandparents. She still has her kidney bag for one kidney, and also got her port put in for chemotherapy. She will begin Chemo on Sept 14th...which I wish I could be there for. I will though, be going up this next Saturday-Friday, so it will be wonderful to spend time with her, and the rest of my family. I had originally planned this trip a few months ago, so that I could go to the first WVU home game of the season. I am still planning on going to it, and it should be fun.
Anyhow, I'm definitely full of a lot of "Why the fuck is this happening to my family?", "What is going to happen", "what if this", "what if that".....I'm full of questions, anger, and sadness. I am trying my best to remain calm, and know that I can't control what happens in the future, all I can do right now is help my mom get the best care possible, and hope for the very best.
So...on that note. I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert the other day. It was wonderful. I bought the tickets a few months ago, but it really is amazing how much the music means to me right now. The lead singer was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago, and almost the entire 2nd album is full of inspiring music about the challenges that he faced and overcame, and I can definitely relate with the lyrics to my life.
Here are a few:
Lyrics:
"Spinning" by Jack's Mannequin
(feat. Stacy Clark)
I'm keeping quiet til there's no more sirens
Lately it's hard to keep the hinges on with all the noise
I'll find my words when there's no one talking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.
I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning
I'm keeping quiet til the phone stops ringing
Lately it's hard to disconnect, I just want something real
I've found the words if I could just stop thinking
The room is spinning, I have got no choice
Be patient, I am getting to the point.
I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning
Spin beneath the rooftop
Hold on, wait until the room stops
Spinning
I can't remember when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited with the lights turned out again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but in the end
We're only spinning
I keep forgetting when the earth turned slowly
So I just waited til the lights come on again
I lost my place but I can't stop this story
I've found my way, but until then
I'm only spinning
Spinning
"The Resolution" by Jack's Mannequin
There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
When I think I'm letting go
I find my body it's still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast
[Chorus:]
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution
And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
For the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I could hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I fear
[Chorus]
The resolution
The resolution
And you hold me down
Yeah you hold me down
Yeah I'm alive
But I don't need a witness
To know that I've survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
[Chorus]
I need life
I need life
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
Resolution
(Lying in the dark as I search for the resolution)
"Swim" by Jack's Mannequin
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim
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